i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
