I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
