If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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