i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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