Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
