If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
