I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize