On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
