so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
