seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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