I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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