I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
