i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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