This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
This is my gift to your gina
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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