im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
