The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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