The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
