I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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