just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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