im six kinds of drunk right now
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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