I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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