i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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