Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
