I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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