When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize