just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
