I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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