Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Randomize
