best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
