Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
