How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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