he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
