They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
