my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
