im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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