Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was not drunk enough for that final.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
