You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
