This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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