What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
