im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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