If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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