got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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