Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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