speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
