So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize