Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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