Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
we should paint friendship bongs
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
