life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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