At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
