I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
