Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
