I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
