If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
