I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't deserve a penis
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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