I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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