Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
