I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
