My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
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