You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
