I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
