On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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