Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
