As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i love accidental penises.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You're breaking my sexual little heart
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
