I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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