He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
