I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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