Only a mothe r could love this liver
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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