I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize