I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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