I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
