Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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