Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
