So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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