Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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